Gnossienne.

Fulltime lover, you said.

Yet, when it comes to love talk, you cowardly turn your head away.

I remember one time we were sitting on your porch that night, you smoking on your cigarette and me sipping on my tea. It was peaceful, I remember. How the crickets accompanied our silent night while you kept on sighing a little too frequent just because you were stressing out about something. You never told me what it was bothering your mind. Maybe I’m not good as a keeper. Maybe I’m not trustworthy of a person. Maybe I’m not…

But you released those puffs of thin smoke into the air as if you let out your emotions all at once. You’re not a heavy smoker, I reckon. But when it comes to stuff you don’t want to share, you’d rather smoke those thoughts away. You thought it was easier than to tell people about those stuff.

“What is wrong with you?” I was fed up by the time you lit up your fifth cigarette with that fancy lighter of yours, which then I decide not to be a coward like you always be this time.

You looked up at me unsure. “What do you mean?”

I sighed feeling frustrated handling your fucked up mind. “You tell me.”

“I’m alright.” Is all you can say in reply.

See? You back away everytime.

“You know, one way or another you gotta have to tell someone about it.”

“About what?” You said. Again, you back away.

I took away your cigarette this time, too fed up to see you smoking away your thoughts without having you speaking up what’s really going on in your mind to anyone. “About you know it better than I do.” I said piercing my eyes into yours. “Please, find somebody out there. Let them know about the darkest side of your thought. Let them hug you on your fragile day. Let them hug you tight and wrap up the crack. You deserve a partner.”

You looked away this time, not daring to have any eyecontact with me. Maybe you look away because you know what I said before was right what you’ve been thinking. Or maybe you look away because you know partly I said that to give a hint about me who’s been waiting for you to notice. I don’t know. For all those years I’ve known and put such a care for you, I never really knew how you truly feel about me. Maybe you knew already about it. Maybe you still don’t.  Maybe you’re feeling the same but we’re just too coward to let one another know. Or maybe you know but you keep silent because you don’t feel the same and you just don’t wanna hurt me in some way. I don’t know.

“I like to keep it myself. I don’t need anyone.”

“You lie. You clearly know damn well that you need someone, that we all need someone. We can’t function alone as a human. We need our surroundings to let us know that we’re still alive. That we’re alright. You’ve been all by yourself for too long time. You damn know pretty well that you need someone.”

“It’s bullshit.”

“It’s bullshit because you’ve never tasted the company of a lover. You’ve never been one to wake up to one person you love the most in the morning and sleep to the same face again at night. You’ve never been one to taste the excitement to see them back after a long rough day at work. You’ve never been one to feel so happy you just want to burst into little atoms when they are around. Those little ordinary things to be grateful for… you’ve never experienced it. Now it’s bullshit because you’ve never felt that way.”

And then silent.

And more silent.

Until you said, “Let’s not talk about it.”

And with that, I back away, knowing that it won’t matter how many times I tell you about this you won’t understand. But that’s alright, I guess. I’m still gonna be here anyway, in case you change your mind about the whole thing. I’m still gonna be here. So it’s fine.

“But don’t worry,” Oh, you continued even after I thought you drew a line not to continue about this topic. “You’re gonna be the first person I talk to when I have that someone one day. One day when I’m a fulltime lover.”

“I hope you’re happy by then.”

“I hope so, too.” Then you smiled to me before taking back the cigarette I’ve taken from you before. And that was the time I was weak to my knee. Your smile, baby.

Fulltime lover, you said.

Yet, when it comes to love talk, you cowardly turn your head away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

On my balcony under the full moon tonight, 12th January 2017.
Being away from a muse could be a tough time, indeed. But under the full moon tonight, I remind myself that we’re looking at the same sky and there is nothing to worry about as long as he’s still breathing. Knocking on a locked door won’t help, so let the time being answers the prayers.

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