Exhausting Like That.

Feeling sad is exhausting like that.

It’s waking up in the morning, seeing that ray of hope from the sunlight that comes through your curtain yet feeling like you don’t have a reason to hold on to another day. It’s getting up from the bed, feeling so heavy like you carry so much on your shoulders. It’s looking up the mirror, hating someone in front of you with passion just because they look exactly just like someone that you want to kill—your own self.

It’s going to class after class, meeting friends after friends, throwing a smile after smile you never meant to give from heart, seeing all the people doing what they do and leaving you far behind, witnessing the birds chirping in another so-called beautiful day knowing that it’s only slowly passing you by with its life. It’s having a lunch meal you don’t feel like having, knowing that if you really don’t, you’ll throw up sick.

It’s talking to someone you consider close, knowing that they never feel the same about you on their behalf. It’s seeing the eyes of that person you fancy, knowing that no matter how much you try to give them attention, they won’t look at you properly like you wish they would. It’s trying but not knowing of what’s its point anymore.

It’s taking a long nap during the day, wishing the sadness will be washed away by the time you wake up, when in truth that it’s only giving you headache after continuously crying during the day before you take your nap. It’s waking up in that pair of puffy eyes, looking so ugly now you have more reason to kill that person in front of the mirror. It’s trying to escape the day in the afternoon by going to the beach but only then you realize beach is not a good idea of escaping cause you know you’ll only want to drown yourself by then.

It’s leaving the beach just before the sunset, getting yourself a bottle of beer in that bar feeling so empty that you don’t care anymore about your monthly spending. It’s talking to that one stranger about something you thought you liked but feeling no sparks when you talk about it with them. It’s leaving them saying your sorry cause you’ve been sad for too long time to the point that you don’t even know how to reach the surface of your own thought anymore.

It’s going back home to sleep away your emptiness, wishing you’d never have to face another day tomorrow, yet still facing it again anyway. It’s having a constant thought of killing yourself but never have the actual courage to do so just because you still believe in that tiny little part of faith that you’ll recover. It’s going on a continuous hatred towards yourself not knowing how to stop it.

Feeling sad is exhausting like that.

You want to get out, but you can’t.

 

 

 

Jimbaran, 18th November 2017.
Picturing myself drowning in the sea feels calming lately. I’m not trying to romanticize my sadness but the way he acts to me somehow makes me sick of myself. I hate for everything that I feel, about the world, myself, him, everyone. And I knew I shouldn’t have let anyone come to me and ruin my mind. But I did anyway. So here’s to someone who could’ve saved me but didn’t. I’m taking back all my pieces together now.