Papa.

Lalu kemana ia harus pulang ketika rumah bukan lagi kata dalam kamusnya?

“La, kamu pernah rindu papa kamu?”

Perempuan itu terdiam sejenak ketika seorang lelaki di hadapannya melontarkan pertanyaan tersebut. Untuk waktu yang cukup lama, ia merenungkan jawabannya. Apa ia pernah rindu papa? Kemudian, dengan gelengan singkat ia menjawab tuntas pertanyaan lelaki itu.

“Kenapa?” Dilanjutkannya pertanyaan rumit yang lain, membuat perempuan itu harus kembali berpikir alasan kenapa.

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Unreturned.

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♪ If I loved you, life would be easy
There’d be no truth that I’d be scared of
I could walk through every valley
And you’d light me with all of your love ♫

By the time I woke up, she was already standing there by the kitchen counter, looking busy with what I bet is her breakfast preparation. Still with her sheer pj’s top and short shorts, she will be busy every morning to prepare breakfast for everyone. I watched her back as she flipped her pancake on the pan for a moment, before then dragging myself to the sink to get myself a glass of water. She always has this serious look when she’s cooking, and I guess it’s just her thing to wake up earlier every morning to prepare the breakfast for everyone in the flat.

“Whoops, I didn’t see you there. You’ve woken up already?” she smiled as I nodded quickly. “How was the meeting with your friends last night?”

I shrugged. “It was okay, I guess.”

She sighed sounding like giving up to make up a morning conversation that always goes like this. She put down a plate full of pancakes on the dining table, grabbing some maple syrup and plates from the counter. “Don’t worry, the semester is almost ending, you can catch up with them later this new year holiday. Come on now, I’ve prepared some breakfast for you, too.”

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By the Time. [Part IV]

By the time you leave, my world collapses.

I remember how different our worlds were once before we entered each other’s life. I was never a dreamer since the beginning, nor were you a stiff person like I was. You were never a loner, nor was I ever the kind of crowd person. I’d rather stay in bed on weekends, while you’d rather spend your time in somebody’s party you barely know just to dance away your awkward moves.

You were quirky since the beginning, but also lovely. And no one gets to say that to you everyday before me. You dream a lot more than you should. You wish a lot more than the stars in this entire universe combined. You always dream big and high and you never let anyone crush it for you. Oh God how envy I’ve always been for that side of you.

And God, I wish I had more chances that I’m probably allowed to.

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By the Time. [Part III]

By the time you leave, you take a little piece away of me with you.

And things just don’t get to stay in its place anymore. The right side of my bed’s now left untouched. The star mug of your belonging is now left unused. Your corgi Percy, he doesn’t seem to be as happy as he used to be. The ceiling in our bedroom full of the star constellation that you painted with glow in the dark paint is no longer as lingering as it used to.

After you, things just don’t get to stay in its places anymore. After you, I barely recognize myself anymore. After you, I just don’t feel like to live anymore.

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Whelve.

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World lies within your body. That high and low part that makes the world seem so perfect they don’t crook in any way, the freckles on the back of your body, the dimples of your spine, the red marks on your knuckles that was always there everytime you hit them to the walls in frustration, the mole on your nose that people always mistaken as a pierce.

I’ve loved them like a part of myself. I’ve traced them and I’ve remembered every piece of them like the back of my hand. I’ve known you forever. And I’ve never stopped loving them since.

Maybe it was the first time I caught you smoking weed back in eight grade of school, when I was worried sick that you’ll get caught. But you shushed me and told it’ll be fine. So I sat there quietly, watching over your high self. And the later when I think of it, I think I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you that I feel like I always want to take care of you for the rest of my life.

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By the Time. [Part II]

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By the time you leave, all hell breaks loose.

But as usual, I still go to the coffee shop across the street this morning before going to work, ordering my usual—chamomile tea and a bagel. Weird I know, but I used to hate tea before you. And after you? Damn it, I can’t even let the taste of the tea away from my tongue, for it is one of the too many things that reminds me of you.

I ordered an Uber and left the block. The morning ride to work is always silent. Always as if there is nothing wrong in the first place. Well I know, there’s nothing wrong, it’s just the fact that there was something wrong. You left and that’s what was wrong.

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By the Time. [Part I]

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By the time you leave, your traces stay.

I opened up my eyes for another exhausting day. I sighed in exhaustion, getting up from the left side of the bed where you used to belong in. I looked back to the right side of the bed, hoping for a split second that I might find you back there. But I know it was foolish to think of that as you have left all of you to nonexistence.

By the time my alarm went off, I was already in the bathroom, getting ready to just seize another day, just like how you always said. I looked up to the mirror just to find that reflection of an ugly creature who made you leave that day. I faced her as I pinned down my stare on her bloodshot eyes.

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