19 Things I Should’ve Learned By Now.

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♪ It’s the most beautiful time of the year
Lights fill the street spreading so much cheer
I should be playing in the winter snow
But Imma be under the mistletoe 

December already, eh? I remember it was January when I decided to stop using my blogspot and started using wordpress. And wow, it’s been a whole year that I’ve been here. I remember I started writing out on blogspot in 2013, I was fifteen at the time. And now, four years later I’ve already had so many of my stories published on both my blogs.

I regret nothing.

I mean, I learned a lot since day one I started writing (I was only thirteen when I started out my writing career on my journal, and yes I’ve still had those cringey manuscripts of my first few stories back at home) and I gained a lot from writing. Don’t get me wrong, I used to be a naive little girl who wished to write for her whole life. But that until I grew up and found the nasty things about this life.

I’ve had my own ups and downs in this life. I don’t expect you to pity me or anything, because I believe y’all also have your own ups and downs. And since the day you were born, you will always learn something from every part of your long road. And from those ups and downs, I grew up.

Continue reading “19 Things I Should’ve Learned By Now.”

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Well Spent Sunday.

I’ve just had another breakdown yesterday after another night out with my uni fellows to the point I almost wanted to shut down everything. I admit, the past few weeks were rough for me. I’ve never had a serious issue when it comes to mental health, but I guess it just keeps going on a bluff downhill by now. Some days I can feel okay, but some other days I can feel so much pain going on in my head.

And today, when I woke up this morning I felt like a total loser thinking why did I wake up for one more day today. But that, at least until an acquaintance of mine hit me up on facebook asking me if I’d like to tag along on his project that we talked about the other day.

It’s called Anak Bukit project, which is a project to let the local kids learn about english and some other fun stuff they may not get from their school. Bintang, the guy who lit the fire of this project, is a very nice person who gives the kids a piece of his knowledge. And what makes it such a well spent Sunday for me is the fact that I get the chance to be a little part of this lovely project.

Continue reading “Well Spent Sunday.”

Exhausting Like That.

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Feeling sad is exhausting like that.

It’s waking up in the morning, seeing that ray of hope from the sunlight that comes through your curtain yet feeling like you don’t have a reason to hold on to another day. It’s getting up from the bed, feeling so heavy like you carry so much on your shoulders. It’s looking up the mirror, hating someone in front of you with passion just because they look exactly just like someone that you want to kill—your own self.

It’s going to class after class, meeting friends after friends, throwing a smile after smile you never meant to give from heart, seeing all the people doing what they do and leave you far behind, witnessing the birds chirping in another so-called beautiful day knowing that it’s only slowly passing you by with its life. It’s having a lunch meal you don’t feel like having, knowing that if you really don’t, you’ll throw up sick.

Continue reading “Exhausting Like That.”

Heading Back Home.

Mom, I’m heading back home.

Let me pack my bags and head home tomorrow. I hope you’ll be waiting for me in front of the arrival gate. Let me bring you some flowers and hug you sweet since it’s been too long that I’ve been apart from you.

Oh I know, I’m just the spoiled last child of yours who has just been apart for three months, remembering the last time I’ve went home was on March. But still, you know, things still hard out here without you around.

So Mom, I’m heading back home tomorrow.

Let me tell you stories of all the things this land has taught me already. Let me make you proud with my degree, let alone the whole world know that I’ve done my best to make you proud.

Believe me, Mom, the months I spent away from home were always the hardest. Continue reading “Heading Back Home.”

Reminder: What You’ll Regret.

To the guy whose eyes make her heart stop,

I just want to let you know this. There are things that can be described with words. Like the beauty of the sky that blooms into cotton candy colors on dawn. Or the sun that slowly turns all those pretty hues into grey on dusk. Or the stars that have always been staring with jealousy at the moon that illuminates the night with such a delicacy. There are things that can be described with such words, indeed. But when it comes to her, words won’t just collide side by side easily.

For a fresh start, she is the kind of beauty that everyone admires because of her pretty face. Indeed, I won’t disagree with the fact that she’s pretty outside. Because she is. And everyone knows that. But, the other kind of beauty she is, is that she gives all of her for people without expecting something in returns. Thus, makes her kind of beauty radiates something more powerful than the delicacy of moon that dedicates its whole life to reflect such a light that’s never its.

On good days, she would listen to people and give that eyes of concerned for those in need. She would look constantly after people, even though in return she would only get a small hum of thank-you’s after giving all of her to them. On good days, she put people first and let alone herself be put second third fourth or so on after those people. She is too damn good of a person. One of the kind that’s constantly reminding people of every good in every bad, of every high in every low. Oh how pretty that little mind of her.

Continue reading “Reminder: What You’ll Regret.”

Cinta yang Baik Itu Mendewasakan.

Cinta yang baik itu mendewasakan.

Sudah jauh lewat tengah malam dan lagi-lagi terpikir oleh saya mengenai hal-hal esensial semacam cinta. Cinta itu rumit memang—namun bukan karena cinta itu sendiri yang membuat semuanya rumit, melainkan manusianyalah yang membuat cinta menjadi se-komplex alogaritma yang membuat kepala berkepul. Cinta yang baik itu sederhana. Memberi dengan sederhana. Mengasihi dengan sederhana. Juga membahagiakan dengan sederhana.

Malam ini terjadi banyak konversasi antara saya dan beberapa teman. Entah seorang teman yang membuat sebuah pengakuan tentang masa lalunya pada saya—ia yang bercerita seakan mencari reasuransi dari mulut saya. Entah seorang sahabat yang bercerita perihal seorang lelaki melankoli yang namanya selalu saya rapalkan pelan dalam doa dan mimpi. Atau, entah seorang kawan yang bercerita perihal monster terkelam dalam dirinya.

Saya mengapresiasi cinta sebesar apa yang mereka miliki dengan sederhana. Tak butuh banyak pengakuan, namun cukup telak untuk diakui. Baru lima hari lamanya saya kembali menginjakkan kaki di Tanah Dewata, dan saya telah diberikan pelajaran-pelajaran sederhana tentang cinta yang baik. Dan ketiga orang tersebut mengajarkan saya bahwa cinta yang baik ialah yang menerima dengan sederhana.

Continue reading “Cinta yang Baik Itu Mendewasakan.”

A Day in Jakarta.

Ialah hujan di pagi ini yang membuat elegi sebuah kepergian semakin menjadi.

Bali di sana dan Jakarta di sini. Entah mengapa, setelah pergi sekian bulan dari sebuah kota metropolis yang walau menyesakkan namun masih kuanggap rumah sepenuhnya ini, baru sekarang aku mengerti arti pulang itu sendiri. Dan sembari hujan masih terus mengguyur sudut kota di bilangan Kemang ini, rinduku semakin menari.

Beberapa bulan lalu, aku dihadapkan oleh pilihan untuk pergi atau tetap tinggal. Dua opsi sederhana memang, namun mampu membuat duniaku gonjang-ganjing. Pro tetap tinggal; hidup nyaman sentosa, fasilitas lengkap, lingkungan yang sama, tak perlu beradaptasi lagi, teman dan kerabat yang sudah dikenal, dan lain-lain. Pro pergi; hidup semakin bebas, mencoba hal-hal baru, relasi bertambah, tak perlu lagi stuck di tengah kemacetan ibukota, (mungkin) mampu menemukan muse baru, dan sebagainya.

Ah, sulit sekali pilihannya. Namun entah mengapa, setelah pergumulan hebat dalam membuat list panjang-panjang mengenai pro kontra antara tinggal dan pergi, aku memutuskan untuk pergi. Memang tidak mudah di awal perjalanannya untuk pergi begitu saja meninggalkan enviroment sekitar yang sudah ada sejak 17 tahun lalu. Tidak mudah untuk pergi begitu saja dan beradaptasi dengan sebegitunya di lingkungan antah berantah yang belum pernah sama sekali aku jejaki. Namun itulah hidup. Life goes on, they said.

Continue reading “A Day in Jakarta.”