By the Time. [Part IV]

By the time you leave, my world collapses.

I remember how different our worlds were once before we entered each other’s life. I was never a dreamer since the beginning, nor were you a stiff person like I was. You were never a loner, nor was I ever the kind of crowd person. I’d rather stay in bed on weekends, while you’d rather spend your time in somebody’s party you barely know just to dance away your awkward moves.

You were quirky since the beginning, but also lovely. And no one gets to say that to you everyday before me. You dream a lot more than you should. You wish a lot more than the stars in this entire universe combined. You always dream big and high and you never let anyone crush it for you. Oh God how envy I’ve always been for that side of you.

And God, I wish I had more chances than I’m probably allowed to.

By the Time. [Part III]

By the time you leave, you take a little piece away of me with you.

And things just don’t get to stay in its place anymore. The right side of my bed’s now left untouched. The star mug of your belonging is now left unused. Your corgi Percy, he doesn’t seem to be as happy as he used to be. The ceiling in our bedroom full of the star constellation that you painted with glow in the dark paint is no longer as lingering as it used to.

After you, things just don’t get to stay in its places anymore. After you, I barely recognize myself anymore. After you, I just don’t feel like to live anymore.

Whelve.

World lies within your body. That high and low part that makes the world seem so perfect they don’t crook in any way, the freckles on the back of your body, the dimples of your spine, the red marks on your knuckles that was always there everytime you hit them to the walls in frustration, the mole on your nose that people always mistaken as a pierce.

I’ve loved them like a part of myself. I’ve traced them and I’ve remembered every piece of them like the back of my hand. I’ve known you forever. And I’ve never stopped loving them since.

Maybe it was the first time I caught you smoking weed back in eight grade of school, when I was worried sick that you’ll get caught. But you shushed me and told it’ll be fine. So I sat there quietly, watching over your high self. And the later when I think of it, I think I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you that I feel like I always want to take care of you for the rest of my life.

By the Time. [Part II]

By the time you leave, all hell breaks loose.

But as usual, I still go to the coffee shop across the street this morning before going to work, ordering my usual—chamomile tea and a bagel. Weird I know, but I used to hate tea before you. And after you? Damn it, I can’t even let the taste of the tea away from my tongue, for it is one of the too many things that reminds me of you.

I ordered an Uber and left the block. The morning ride to work is always silent. Always as if there is nothing wrong in the first place. Well I know, there’s nothing wrong, it’s just the fact that there was something wrong. You left and that’s what was wrong.

By the Time. [Part I]

By the time you leave, your traces stay.

I opened up my eyes for another exhausting day. I sighed in exhaustion, getting up from the left side of the bed where you used to belong in. I looked back to the right side of the bed, hoping for a split second that I might find you back there. But I know it was foolish to think of that as you have left all of you to nonexistence.

By the time my alarm went off, I was already in the bathroom, getting ready to just seize another day, just like how you always said. I looked up to the mirror just to find that reflection of an ugly creature who made you leave that day. I faced her as I pinned down my stare on her bloodshot eyes.

Back To The Beginning.

“That was a great play up there, mate!” Harry shouted at one of his musician fellows, giving his thumbs up in a little less sober state.

“Yeah, thanks, mate.” He fist bumped Harry and walked off the stage.

By the point the crowd getting even more crowded, Harry was not even sober anymore. He laughed through his friend’s not-so-funny joke. He cheered some more shots. He danced through the loud music with some faces he barely knew. After party is never a really good choice to get drunk at, Harry thought.

He passed the crowd right away to the toilet, rushing off through the stall and throw up instantly. He wasn’t very keen himself with this. And he knew he needed to get out from the party right away before he does something stupid. He went out of the toilet, looking at the crowd and searching for a face he knew to get a help from.

“Oh Harry, there you are! People are looking for you. Come on, drink some more.” A girl, he forgot who this was exactly which probably would be some crew from the movie, led him back through the crowds.

“Hey, hey, I need to get right away from here!” Harry shouted, knowing that the loud of the music would beat down his own voice.

“What? It’s barely midnight, Harry. Enjoy some more!” She shouted back.

“No, no, I need to get right away from here! I don’t feel good at all.” He let go of her hand and continued, “Tell Chris I’m off first! Tell him congratulation for the movie!”

Almost.

We lived a life of,
Almost.

I held her hand as we walked back to the train station so neither of us would get lost. She kept talking and talking about this one game character that she’d adored since she was ten. She kept laughing at the thought of funny moments she had with her dear mates. She kept walking cheerfully as if there was nothing else that mattered at the time—although she knew stuff back home was happening chaotically in the back of her mind. And while she’s doing that, I kept looking at her features in awe.

She was just a stranger one time. She was just a blurry face that I never knew would turn my life upside down the later on. She was just one person standing in the crowd, which I never expected that her existence would knock on my door. And our fate would almost never collide if I chose something the other way around.

Sometimes I think about the possibilities that might happen throughout my life. Things would’ve been different if I chose another options. There will be some people that I could never have known if I didn’t choose to be where they are. I wouldn’t have experienced stuff if I chose the other way around. Possibilities exist like specks of dusts in every corner of the road. And I… I think I have to always feel thankful for all of those decisions I’ve made.

“Are you okay?” she snapped me out of my thought, getting me back to reality.