I’m In Love With Being Alive.

It’s been a while since those gloomy days. It’s been a while since the last time I wanted to be off of this world. It’s been a while I know baby, but I hope you don’t find yourself crying to sleep again years from now. When you’re exhausted from work, and your whole body aching, and the only thing greeting you is the dimmed light and a dull house you call home. I hope you don’t look for the answer of your worth anymore years from now. When a client just declines your presentation that day, and your boss demands some paperworks done by the afternoon, and your colleagues talk about how messy your work is. I hope you don’t.

I hope you don’t just drink your sadness away when things seem to go wrong cause I know exactly how it’ll turn out for you. You will call that boy from college by the fifth glass and tell him how fucked up you are, how messed up everything is without him around. Even years after your graduation. You will cry on the phone by the sixth glass and you will hear him soothes you down knowing that that’s the only thing you needed to hear after a long day. Validation. And maybe, after an hour or two, you will mistaken his kindness for something else.

But honey, don’t.

I hope you don’t mistaken his kindness for something else. I hope you don’t tell him things you’ll regret the morning after. I hope you don’t look at yourself disgusted for what you did. Cause honey, I think that’s a wonderful thing that you do each time. You wake up each morning, you spend your days trying to stay afloat, and you stay afloat. Right? You do everything everyday that you cry almost giving up each time, but you don’t. You never do. Don’t you find yourself so wonderful for not giving up? Cause I personally do.

I remember the other day I was with friends I haven’t seen for a while. We’ve had some good talks, with some good bottles along the way. I remember all was good. I remember the old days, when things weren’t as complicated as it is then. When the only thing making you anxious was the school national exam and nothing else. When friends were those you see five days a week, twelve hours a day. When all was good and all was fine. When all was good and nothing mattered while you still had them sticking with you through the day.

It was good. It really was until that point I questioned my own self one thing; where did it all go?

I think growing up is weird. One time you thought you had it all, like the world is only the matter of you turning the back of your hand. But then one other time, you missed one millisecond of it, right when you blink your eyes, and it’s all gone. Like, all those things that you thought matter the most to you, they’re gone. Friends leave. Achievements get forgotten. Long road ahead, no maps. And turns out, you never really knew where you stand since day one. Things leave and you’re left alone clueless with how you’re supposed to do after that happened.

There Is A Universe.

There is a universe in which we work out together. It is not this universe we live in right now obviously, but there is one out there. There has to be. And in that universe, we’d both choose each other.

I would like to think you’d choose differently in that universe. And instead of giving chance to love her, you’d give chance to love me. I’d like to think that we like to cuddle and whisper one another sweet nothings on cold rainy days like this. That you are not afraid of kissing my lips when it’s crowded. That I let myself express whatever the hell I have in mind cause you’d still be there anyway and not leaving.

I would like to think of all the good things happening between you and me. And not just the kind of regular talk you and I usually have on normal days like this, I’d like to think that you’d tell me deeper things I have not known yet about you in that universe. I’d like to think that the you in that universe, would tell me your dreams when you were eight, what you’ve always wanted to be, how you see life as a child, how much you love your siblings—stuff that only to your lover you’d tell. I’d like to think that I’d be that for you. And of course, you’d let me in each time I knock on the door.

Quarter Life Crisis.

“When are you going to get married?”
“Do you already have a potential candidate for your future partner?”
“Wow you’re 24 and you haven’t finished your bachelor degree?”
“When are you going to stop fooling around and start your life? You’re already 27 and you need to make money for real.”
“You’ve graduated six months ago and you haven’t got yourself any job for real?”
“Why are you so stupid when it comes to talking to a girl? You’re an adult, you’re supposed to know it.”
“Get married first before you pursue your master degree. You’re a woman, men will be scared of you.”
“Everyone your age is already married and have children. Aren’t you jealous of them?”
“You’re three years away from the big 3, when are you going to settle down?”

Ever heard any of the things above from the mouth of people around you? If so, congratulation for your millennials problem of quarter life crisis. You must be a young adult/adult who struggles for being forced to figure out your life all at once by the society around you. You must be one soul who wishes to vanished because of the thoughts filling your head cannot be muted as simple as muting out a radio. You must be one hell of a personality who’s struggling this society’s concept of success.

But that’s alright, everyone feels it too.

Well Spent Sunday.

I’ve just had another breakdown yesterday after another night out with my uni fellows to the point I almost wanted to shut down everything. I admit, the past few weeks were rough for me. I’ve never had a serious issue when it comes to mental health, but I guess it just keeps going on a bluff downhill by now. Some days I can feel okay, but some other days I can feel so much pain going on in my head.

And today, when I woke up this morning I felt like a total loser thinking why did I wake up for one more day today. But that, at least until an acquaintance of mine hit me up on facebook asking me if I’d like to tag along on his project that we talked about the other day.

It’s called Anak Bukit project, which is a project to let the local kids learn about english and some other fun stuff they may not get from their school. Bintang, the guy who lit the fire of this project, is a very nice person who gives the kids a piece of his knowledge. And what makes it such a well spent Sunday for me is the fact that I get the chance to be a little part of this lovely project.

Exhausting Like That.

Feeling sad is exhausting like that.

It’s waking up in the morning, seeing that ray of hope from the sunlight that comes through your curtain yet feeling like you don’t have a reason to hold on to another day. It’s getting up from the bed, feeling so heavy like you carry so much on your shoulders. It’s looking up the mirror, hating someone in front of you with passion just because they look exactly just like someone that you want to kill—your own self.

It’s going to class after class, meeting friends after friends, throwing a smile after smile you never meant to give from heart, seeing all the people doing what they do and leaving you far behind, witnessing the birds chirping in another so-called beautiful day knowing that it’s only slowly passing you by with its life. It’s having a lunch meal you don’t feel like having, knowing that if you really don’t, you’ll throw up sick.